Bryan D. Brown

An Open Letter to God

While I’m sure you visit my web site regularly (I didn’t realize you used Verizon), I’m hoping to ask just a slight favor from you. I know we don’t talk much (other than my frequent requests for you to “damn” things). Heck, I’m still not entirely sure you exist. But since it can’t hurt to ask, I just thought I might give it a go with one small, public request.

PLEASE STOP WITH THE RAIN!

It’s May. It’s half-way through Spring. Unless you’ve charged someone in Santa Barbara with building an ark (probably somebody up in north county), we’ve had enough.

You’re weather is ruining my ability to laugh at other people. If it’s not sunny, I can’t walk down the street and see a bunch of soriority and fraternity types on a patio singing along with Coolio’s Gangster’s Paradise. I can’t walk down the street and hear the woman behind me say into her cellphone, “I’m mailing some shit to my bitch-ass friend.” I can’t be out at night and hear the guy with disturbingly-odd facial hair say, “I’m not going to another bar! I have $5 and I owe child support!” ¹

I know we’ve had our ups and downs. And I’m certainly no Kirk Cameron when it comes to all of that “morality” stuff. But if you could do this one little favor for me, I just might get Mark-David to stop making Pope jokes.

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[1] All of these things did happen. I swear to…